last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
