he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
