She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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