yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
