this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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