Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
