hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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