Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
