If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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