Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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