were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
