My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
