I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
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I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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