Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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