I feel like I'm in dance class right now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
