Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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