1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
