Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
