Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
