im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
