My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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