idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
