I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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