Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
