so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
