Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
