so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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