Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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