i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
