the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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