cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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