I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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