You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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