Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
