Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
