Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ketchup is God's man juice
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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