Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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