I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
