Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
