I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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