I'm so fucking centered right now
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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