Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's get the cat blown out
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
