literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
