I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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