in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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