I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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