I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
