Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
