you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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