Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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