Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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