Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
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The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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