just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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