Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
