At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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