you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
