Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
