i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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