Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
