My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
